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[19 Apr 2009|04:41pm] |
"If you could live an eternity and not change a thing or exist for the blink of an eye and alter everything, what would you choose?"
Let him wish his life
For the sorrows of a stone
Never knowing the first thread
Of these
Never knowing the pain of ice
As its crystals slowly grow
Needless pressing in on the heart
To live forever
And never feel a thing
To wait a million lifetimes
Only to erode and become sand
Wish not for the stone
But for the fire
Last only moments
But change everything
Oh to be lightning
To exist for less than a moment
Yet in that moment
To expose the world to every open eye
Oh to be thunder
To clap and ring
To rumble into memories
Minds and spines
To chill the soul and shake the very ground
Pounding even the sand
Into smaller pieces
Or the mountain
Broding, extinct
Yet gathering for one fatal moment
The power to blow the top clean off the world
Oh to last the blink of an eye and leave nothing
But nothing unmoved by you
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[05 Apr 2009|01:34pm] |
You know I wonder if they'll laugh when I am dead...
(While i'm in jail, strangers is telling me:
"You don't know?
Biggie homeboy shot you!"
And they braggin'!
And thats why what I'm doing...
I don't know what I'm doing,
I'm screaming, I'm screaming...)
Why am I fighting to live
If I'm just living to fight?
Why am I trying to see
When there ain't nothing in sight?
Why am I trying to give
When no one gives me a try?
Why am I dying to live
If I'm just living to die?
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| Ma tête vaut cher :) |
[01 Apr 2009|08:51pm] |
"Somewhere, somehow, somebody
Must have kicked you around some
Who knows, maybe you were kidnapped,
Tied up, taken away, and held for ransom
Honey, it don't really matter to me
Baby, everybody's had to fight to be free
You see, you don't have to live like a refugee..."
I'm a very happy girl (why do I talk like this?) as of today in particular. I'm experiencing a feeling that I haven't felt myself fully immersed in since last summer- HOPE. The good kind. The last time I felt this sense of hope it was accompanied by a feeling of liberation. I'm feeling that way now too. When this sort of thing comes around it's amazing. I've got complete faith in the universe and I'm not worried at all about things.
My dad told me a couple of weeks ago that good things happen to good people. I like to believe this, although sometimes the world lacks empirical evidence for this sort of thing. A major hindrance to my own personal happiness has always been other people's unhappiness (whether it means being aware of it, being a witness to it, or having them attempt to hurt me as a result of it). The real silver lining or plus side to this is choice. I choose how I react to things. I'm going to work harder to help those in need (whatever the need) and to be understanding of people.
I'm digging karma too, although if it doesn't exist I'm still content to be kind anyhow. In the wise wise words of the Mighty Mighty Bosstones "The good are good without reward." I like to think of karma in the sense of good people seeing benefits. I don't necessarily dig it in the sense of people having bad things happen to them after doing bad things. I honestly think people do selfish and hurtful things because they're unhappy and that makes me feel sorry.
I got into my first choice grad school and, despite being a bit stressed over finances, I am seriously so happy. I have the oppurtunity to work hard and do exactly what I've wanted to do with my life since middle school (well ONE of the things I wanted to do, with firefighter being a close second). I'm going to help people. I'm going to make a living out of helping people who are unhappy. I can't even put into words how happy and hopeful I feel.
End transmission!
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[14 Feb 2009|01:23pm] |
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mood |
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 happy |
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music |
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cat stevens of course! |
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A year ago today marks when things changed. I guess things change daily, but CHANGED. I'm happy because I don't feel regretful today or even sad. I feel like I've grown a lot in the past year. I've been taken advantage of and taken for granted but I'm okay with this. I realize now for a fact that we can't control others- only ourselves. We can't control how others feel towards us, we can't control the happiness of others. I think it's for the best that it's this way. If there were some sort of magic wand available to us in order to keep a person (be it a partner or a friend) in my life I wouldn't want it. If someone doesn't want to hang around then that's fine- I want to use all of my heart in order to love the people who want to be in my world no matter what. This may seem obvious to some but this isn't something that I've been consciously aware of for very long. I have to admit that I've spent large amounts of my precious time compromising my standards, accepting less than what I know that I deserve, and pretending to be okay with this in order to keep someone in my life who doesn't seem to care very much about being there. This doesn't result in happiness. I've realized that when I ceased to make excuses for some people they simply ceased to exist at all in my life. I'm happy because I'm not sad about this sort of thing anymore. It's liberating, honestly. I mean I'm not giving up on anyone in the world but at the same time I'm never again investing any part of my heart into anyone who isn't going to take care of it. I'm happy :). I'm a stronger and more "Experienced" person than those who have treated me badly and have been dishonest with me because I know not to treat people like that. I know that life is for learning and growing and so it's my sincere hope that everyone, even/particularly those who have wronged me, find love. First with themselves.
"You yourself, as much as anybody in the universe, deserve your love and affection."
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| i may or may not be *going* crazy |
[17 Jan 2009|03:34pm] |
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mood |
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excellent |
] |
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music |
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cat stevens - moonshadow |
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today i ventured on over to the glorious walpole public library because i desperately need to work on my grad school applications. i drive by and see that the parking lot is full and i certainly did not want to embarrass myself by trying to wedge my car in between other cars while frustrated townies waited, wanting to drive past me. i made the wise life choice to go and park at the town hall and then walk over to the library because it's nearby anyhow. at the time this seemed like a simple compromise but as i began my venture over i realized it was actually the worst possible idea that i could have had because i was wearing my thin five inch high heels and the sidewalks were very icey. anyway, fear not- i did make it to the library and back to my car without falling. however, it was 22 degrees outside and i was freezing cold and this was sort of a vexation to my spirit so i made the grandiose life choice to blare jimmy buffett's glorious masterpiece "one particular harbor" on repeat as loud as my ipod would allow. this put me in great spirits because it was reminiscient of the summer months and vacations gone by so i was walking through the center of town (where the sidewalks were quasi plowed) with this blaring, walking incredibly slowly and occasionally sliding, but wearing this shit-eating grin like an asian kid who just spelled the winning word in a spelling competition. today may or may not be one of the best days of my life.
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| how obnoxious is this?! |
[22 Dec 2008|08:27pm] |
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mood |
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loved |
] |
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music |
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steely dan! |
] |
< journal entry whining about being lonely and depressed >
Just kidding, I'm happy. And in love. :D :D
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[17 Dec 2008|11:40pm] |
"Be the change you wish to see in the world."
I take it back. I don't feel any remorse. Also, I'm glad you're gone. Regardless.
:)
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[09 Nov 2008|03:39pm] |
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mood |
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 thoughtful |
] |
I read The Stranger by Albert Camus last week. There was a particular passage in it where a character, a pimp actually, had a girlfriend cheat on him after he spent months beating her in the relationship. The comedic value in this, of course, is that theoretically a pimp would possess little prerogative or inclination towards feeling indignant over such an episode but he still did. I mean this was just a small subplot and not really relevant to the actual main storyline but what happened was that he came up with this plan after having ended the relationship: he was going to entreat her to come back to him through sending her a sentimental and touching letter. He wasn't even going to write this letter, he was going to have a friend write it for him. When she came back to him he was going to convince her to have sex with him and just before finishing he was going to spit in her face and then leave. It sounds crass but honestly, isn't this the way that we actually really do treat people? I mean we do it in less raw ways. We're more "civilized" about spitting in the faces of those who love of us. Like leaving someone who tells you that they think that you're the most beautiful in the morning when you aren't wearing make up because that's the way you were created without warning or any explanation or abandoning someone who still wears your ugly orange and black bracelets because you once called them "friendship bracelets" in order to pursue a girl who spends her time attempting to create mystique about herself through intellectual dishonesty and displaying emotional ambivalence over a girl who spent over three years trying to break through your mystique, dishonesty, and ambivalence.
Contrarily:
"A thought transfixed me: for the first time in my life I saw the truth as it is set into song by so many poets, proclaimed as the final wisdom by so many thinkers. The truth- that love is the ultimate and the highest goal to which man can aspire. Then I grasped the meaning of the greatest secret that human poetry and human thought and belief have to impart: The salvation of man is through love and in love. I understood how a man who has nothing left in this world still may know bliss, be it only for a brief moment, in the contemplation of his beloved. In a position of utter desolation, when man cannot express himself in a positive action, when his only achievement many consist in enduring his sufferings in the right way- an honorable way- in such a position man can, through loving contemplation of the image he carries of his beloved, achieve fulfillment. For the first time in my life I was able to understand the meaning of these words, "The angels are lost in perpetual contemplation of an infinite glory.""
Viktor Frankl (Auschwitz survivor)
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[05 Nov 2008|01:15am] |
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"What a wicked game to play."
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[16 Oct 2008|11:58pm] |
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"Marquez tells of a village where people were afflicted with a strange plague of forgetfulness, a kind of contagious amnesia. Starting with the oldest inhabitants and working its way through the population, the plague causes people to forget the names of even the most common everyday objects. One young man, still unaffected, tries to limit the damage by putting labels on everything. "This is a table," "This is a window," "This is a cow, it has to be milked every morning." And at the entrance to the town, on the main road, he puts up two large signs. One reads "The name of our village is Macondo," and the larger one reads "God exists." The message I get from that story is that we can, and probably will, forget most of what we have learned in life-the math, the history, the chemical formulas, the address and phone number of the first house we lived in when we got married-and all that forgetting will do us no harm. But if we forget whom we belong to, and if we forget that there is a God, something profoundly human in us will be lost."
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[30 Sep 2008|12:06pm] |
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mood |
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curious |
] |
"I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched."
Edgar Allen Poe
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| i wanna change |
[08 Sep 2008|09:36pm] |
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When we two parted
In silence and tears,
Half broken-hearted
To sever for years,
Pale grew thy cheek and cold,
Colder thy kiss;
Truly that hour foretold
Sorrow to this.
The dew of the morning
Sunk chill on my brow--
It felt like the warning
Of what I feel now.
Thy vows are all broken,
And light is thy fame;
I hear thy name spoken,
And share in its shame. They name thee before me,
A knell to mine ear;
A shudder comes o'er me--
Why wert thou so dear?
They know not I knew thee,
Who knew thee too well--
Long, long shall I rue thee,
Too deeply to tell. In secret we met--
In silence I grieve,
That thy heart could forget,
Thy spirit deceive.
If I should meet thee
After long years,
How should I greet thee?--
With silence and tears.
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[28 Apr 2008|05:03pm] |
You got a fast car,
I wanna ticket to anywhere,
Maybe we can make a deal,
Maybe together we can get somewhere,
Any place is better,
Startin' from zero, got nothin' to lose,
Maybe we'll make somethin',
Me myself I've got nothin' to prove.
You got a fast car,
I got a plan to get us outta here,
Been working at a convenience store,
Managed to save just a little bit of money
We won't have to drive to far,
Just 'cross the border and into the city,
You and I can both get jobs,
And finally see what it means to be livin'.
You see, my old man's got a problem,
Lives with the bottle, that's the way it is
He says his body's too old for workin',
I say his body's too young to look like his,
My mama went off and left him,
Wanted more from life than he could give,
I said somebody's got to take care of him,
So I quit school and that's what I did.
You got a fast car,
Is it fast enough so we can fly away?
We gotta make a decision,
Leave tonight or live an' die this way.
So I remember when we were drivin',
Drivin' in your car,
Speeds so fast I felt like I was drunk,
City lights lay out before us,
And your arm felt nice wrapped round my shoulder,
And I, I had a feelin' that I belonged,
And I, I had a feelin' I could be someone,
Be someone, be someone.
You got a fast car,
We go cruisin' to entertain ourselves,
You still ain't got a job,
And I work in the market as a checkout girl,
I know things will get better,
You'll find work and I'll get promoted,
And we'll move out of the shelter,
Buy a bigger house and live in the suburbs.
So I remember when we were drivin',
Drivin' in your car,
Speeds so fast I felt like I was drunk,
City lights lay out before us,
And your arm felt nice wrapped round my shoulder,
And I, I had a feelin' that I belonged,
And I, I had a feelin' I could be someone,
Be someone, be someone.
You got a fast car,
I got a job that pays all our bills,
You stay out drinkin' late at the bar,
See more of your friends than you do of your kids,
I'd always hoped for better,
Thought maybe together, you and me'd find it,
I got no plans, I ain't goin' nowhere,
So take your fast car and keep on drivin'.
So I remember when we were drivin',
Drivin' in your car,
Speeds so fast I felt like I was drunk,
City lights lay out before us,
And your arm felt nice wrapped round my shoulder,
And I, I had a feelin' that I belonged,
And I, I had a feelin' I could be someone,
Be someone, be someone.
You got a fast car,
Is it fast so you can fly away?
You gotta make a decision,
Leave tonight or live and die this way.
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| you're welcome for posting this |
[10 Apr 2008|03:52pm] |
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Paula: So, how many dates does Andy have to go on before he screws that girl. Cal: Twenty. Paula: You’re kidding. Cal: That’s a lot of dates, huh? Paula: Yeah. That sounds like avoidance to me. She’s a nut. She’s gotta be crazy. Cal: She’s fucking crazy. I wouldn’t put up with that shit. Paula: Nah, I wouldn’t put up with it. Cal: She’s gotta be crazy to really even be sexually attracted to him. Paula: Well, no- I’m sexually attracted to him so I understand, and it’s kinda a perverted, perverted thing- but I’m sexually attracted. Cal: Wow. Maybe you’re attracted to him because he’s so unattractive. You know, sometimes I’m like watching the View and I’m looking at Barbara Walters and- Paula: You get turned on, you get turned on. Cal: I’m like- she’s so unappealing to me that I would wanna fuck her. That’s how sick I am. Paula: Yeah, I understand that. It’s like; I guess it’s like jelly fucking. You know those websites, I always wonder- what turns them on about you know, doing a really fat woman. Cal: Ohh, jelly fucking, yeah. Paula: Yeah. I think it’s that, I think it’s that- Cal: It’s taboo. It’s the taboo. Paula: Yeah, the taboo. And the juggling. You know, I guess that’s a turn on. I don’t know if that’s the basis of it, but I’m gonna have to think about that. Cause I am really turned on by him. I know you’ve got a very… grand sexual appetite. Cal: I know; it’s big. Paula: And you’re lucky I didn’t tell corporate, because you know it’s really, really dangerous to do it back in the home theater when we’re open. Cal: I didn’t even mean to jack off in there. I just wanted to see- Paula: You didn’t mean to? What is there to turn you on in Princess Diaries? Cal: It’s just, well; it’s the age of the girl. Paula: Ohh, that’s sick. Cal: It’s Julie Andrews. Paula: Well, you know what; I gotta ride with you on that one. She is something. Cal: It’s ever since I was a kid, yeah, Mary Poppins- Paula: Me too, I know, and the Sound of Music- Cal: Ever since I saw Mary Poppins and she’s wearing that big dress and I’m like- what does she look like? Let’s see some shoulder, Poppins. Paula: Exactly, Sound of Music, when she’s dancing with the Captain and they slowly go together and you see her breasts go vroom. Cal: Exactly, Oh my God, right? Paula: Yeah, she’s something else. So I can hang with you on that one. Cal: About the stains- again, I’m sorry. Paula: Yeah, well, you know- good thing we’re right next door to an upholstery cleaners, that’s all I can say. Cal: That’s true. That’s a good thing. Paula: I can’t cover you anymore if you drop a television, ‘Cause I think you’ve dropped four in the last six months. Cal: I know, I know. Paula: And um, we can only use the wobbly shelf defense so many times. Cal: I can’t believe they keep buying that. Paula: I don’t give a shit; I just took a job at Home Depot. Cal: Home Depot? Paula: Absolutely. Cal: I love Home Depot. Paula: Going to advance. Cal: Wow. Paula: It’s moving up, not like Smart Tech, it’s kinda leveled out. Cal: What are you gonna do there? Paula: I’m gonna be in the plants section. Cal: Plants? Paula: Yeah, I don’t really know anything about plants, except, you know, weed. Cal: I’m with you there. Paula: But, you know, I’m willing to learn and everything. It’s pretty there and we’re kinda outside. Cal: They got alotta grow lights flying around there. Paula: Yeah, absolutely. Cal: You think you can grab me some of those? Paula: Eh, let me be there for a couple of months and we’re see what happens. Cal: Exactly. Just say one fell off a wobbly shelf. Paula: Right, right. I’m not gonna start ripping them off within my first week. Cal: Yeah, you gotta wait a couple of weeks before that. Paula: Exactly.
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| one night as i walked in the desert the mountains rode on my shoulders |
[11 Mar 2008|10:00pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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contemplative |
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"Once there was a flock of geese. They were kept in a wire cage, by a farmer. One day, one of the geese looked up and saw that there was no top to the cage. Excitedly, he told the other geese: "Look, look: There is no top. We may leave here. We may become free." Few listened and none would turn his head to the sky. So, one day, he simply spread his wings and flew away- alone."
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| not emo for once |
[10 Feb 2008|06:54pm] |
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1. I got cast in the Vagina Monologues for the role that I auditioned for :D. It's on March 28th and 29th at my school and everyone should come because the proceeds go to charity- a rape crisis center and a shelter for domestic abuse victims in Lowell, and because it's me taking about vaginas which should be delightfully awkward.
2. Sometimes when someone wants something/someone for a long time and they finally get it they realize they no longer care about having it anymore but not me and I'm really excited about my current relationship status :).
3. I'm going to Louisiana over Spring break to volunter and I'm really, really excited- and Melissa is going too which makes it even better.
4. Spring is coming (well kinda far off but still...) and it's my favorite season because it represents hope in my mind <3.
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| perhaps it's the color of the sun cut flat uncovering the crossroads i'm standing at |
[15 Jan 2008|10:50pm] |
i. It's been a month and it's difficult to reconcile that you won't ever be coming back. I feel regret for a million dumb things I didn't take the time to do or learn. It was a sad Christmas without you. It's selfish because I know you were very sick but I miss you very much.
ii. "Supremely gifted minstrel who attempted to rescue his dead wife from the Underworld. Orpheus had been taught to play the lyre by Apollo, and such was his skill on the instrument, together with the sweetness of his singing voice, that he could charm wild animals and even cause trees to uproot themselves and follow in his steps. Jason and the Argonauts took him along when they quested after the Golden Fleece, and Orpheus saved them from shipwreck by drowning out the treacherously alluring voices of the Sirens with his own musical stylings. Orpheus fell in love with a nymph named Eurydice and blissful was their life together until one day she was pursued by a son of Apollo, the minor deity Aristaeus. In her headlong eagerness to escape, she stepped on a poisonous snake, was bitten and died. Disconsolate, Orpheus found a cave which lead to Hades and followed Eurydice to the Underworld. Here his musical charms were so persuasive that the King of the Dead permitted the minstrel to take his sweetheart Home with him - on one condition. This condition was so simple that it takes some explaining to account for Orpheus's failure to heed it. Perhaps he could not bear to keep his eyes off their beloved object for a moment longer. Perhaps he wanted to share his rapture at birdsong and sunshine as they approached the mouth of the cave. Or maybe he wanted Eurydice to hear the latest lick that he had worked out on his lyre. In any case, he did the one thing he had been forbidden. He turned around and looked at Eurydice, and she was lost to him forever. Orpheus swore he would never love another, and it may have been the steadfastness of this vow which caused certain wild women of Thrace to tear him limb from limb in a fit of jealousy. They threw his head into a river, and it kept on singing all the way to the sea."
iii. I know it's for the best.
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[31 Dec 2007|05:20pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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thoughtful |
] |
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music |
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sonic youth - superstar |
] |
birthdays, new years, christmas, holidays, calender days, etc depress me because they solidify the fact that time is passing.
i won't be calling you this new years, i'm certain you won't notice. i will.
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| and i call to you i call to you but i don't call soft enough |
[11 Dec 2007|03:36pm] |
Now the flames they followed Joan of Arc
as she came riding through the dark;
no moon to keep her armour bright,
no man to get her through this very smoky night.
She said, "I'm tired of the war,
I want the kind of work I had before,
a wedding dress or something white
to wear upon my swollen appetite."
Well, I'm glad to hear you talk this way,
you know I've watched you riding every day
and something in me yearns to win
such a cold and lonesome heroine.
"And who are you?" she sternly spoke
to the one beneath the smoke.
"Why, I'm fire," he replied,
"And I love your solitude, I love your pride."
"Then fire, make your body cold,
I'm going to give you mine to hold,"
saying this she climbed inside
to be his one, to be his only bride.
And deep into his fiery heart
he took the dust of Joan of Arc,
and high above the wedding guests
he hung the ashes of her wedding dress.
It was deep into his fiery heart
he took the dust of Joan of Arc,
and then she clearly understood
if he was fire, oh then she must be wood.
I saw her wince, I saw her cry,
I saw the glory in her eye.
Myself I long for love and light,
but must it come so cruel, and oh so bright?
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